We went in at twenty-two weeks for a scan, for an anomaly scan and it being my second pregnancy I was sure everything was fine. I didn’t expect to come out with any sort of news other than that you are having a girl or you are having a boy. But unfortunately our scan didn’t go that way. It became apparent very quickly into the scan that there was major issues with our daughter. She wasn’t going to survive. She wasn’t going to be able to breath. Her spine was so badly damaged that they’d have a pain team on standby to administer morphine. It was really isolating. We discussed our options. She was just suffering. So we decided to travel. Because we thought that was the most humane thing to do for her. And for us like you know. The moment we found out I couldn’t leave the house, I couldn’t face people. I texted few friends to let them know. The wider circle of friends to tell them, you know, that the baby was going to die. I couldn’t face people.
It was really scary. It was traumatic. You don’t have anyone to ask who’s been through it before. And then you go searching and luckily enough I did find the group and they were able to share their experiences with me so they made it a little less daunting. But you are walking into the unknown. I rang Liverpool because again I said I am her mother, I have to do this. I rang and they asked me to read out the first line of the report, which I did. They were going to ask me to read out the report and when I finished the first line they said that’s enough. You know Liverpool isn’t far away but it might as well be a million miles away when you go over there. As soon as you walked in they see you coming. They were expecting you anyway. The appointment is made. They see you and they just straight away come out from behind the desk and bring you straight into a private room. Just the level of care as soon as you get there and the compassion. They all just sit and take their time. They are all so apologetic that you are there, firstly, and secondly that we had to leave.
It was only after Hannah was born. She was born a year and two weeks later that I finally started telling people the full story because I said you know what this isn’t right, that I am lying about this that I am not telling the full story, because it shouldn’t happen. And I think going to the support meetings, seeing new people coming, I felt so angry for them that this was still happening. I still feel really angry. Every time a new set of parents come to the support group, or a new mom contacts us for support when they have received a diagnosis. I am so annoyed and angry and so cross that they still have to make this journey.
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